They say we can only meet someone as deeply as we have met ourselves. I have a notion that is beyond true. I have been given the opportunity to dissect my past childhood that was causing deep emotional pain and reoccurring patterns of attracting the wrong people, and stressful situations.
At the age of 11 my dad remarried after my mom died a year later, a women that was originally our house nanny that cooked and cleaned for the 6 kids my Dad was having to manage. She wasn’t pleasant from the very beginning. I would be crying about how I missed my mom and she would say “your mom is never coming back” I would be so devastated. She had the devils energy from the beginning. She would always be so demanding of my father and started to take control of many things that shifted the whole family dynamic. My older siblings were always in disagreement with having her. One evening we all got my dad to sit down and explain why she wasn’t a good fit for our family. Unfortunately he refused to listen to us and was fighting for her. After that night things unfolded bit by bit. My older siblings graduated high school and slowly left leaving only me and my two sisters as well as two step siblings.
My step Mom wasn’t the warm and fuzzy type. She had a very hurt wounded child inside of her that projected her biggest fears, biggest insecurities and deepest pains onto us. I now know that now. At the time I was completely sacred of her. My little sister and I were the ones that got the most abused. The abuse was not only physical but mentally emotionally and powerfully energetic. We would always be getting in trouble for something so simple. We were given many chores daily and if they weren’t done perfectly we would get either a horrible talk or a pull of the hair and even a slap in the face. There is much memory that has been lost as these experiences were quite traumatic and numbed out. This all happened while my dad wasn’t around. Many years of abuse from her and my dad not having a clue.
She would tell many horrible things to hurt me and truly scar my soul. She would say things like “we should paint the mirrors black so I don’t have to look at my ugly face” She would spit in my face many times and slap me daily. It was the living hell. I was always scared to go home from school. I once told one of my teachers and she wanted to get the principle involved but I begged her not too. I always walked home thinking will I die today? I was frightened as she was unpredictable and at times she even was nice to me. I was always trying to gain her love and acceptance. This went on till I was 16 and decided to run away. That was the start of my rebelling nature and the deep unconscious wounds that ran my life.
At the age of 25 I decided to get help and take the leap after many years of abusing my body, mind and spirit and leave it all behind. Using drugs, alcohol and sex to fill voids of pain and self hatred. I even at one point in my early years I tried to commit suicide. This led me to a very depressed state. I was always trying to get unconscious attention in many forms as this was an affect of being incredibly hurt and abused.
After the first year of my sobriety and deep work of the 12 step program I was given a new chance at life. I started to feel more and more empowered. I was given the opportunity to take back my power and see what I needed to see in regaining my strength and love of self back. This led me to many years of self discovery.
With each step I realized the amount of trauma was actually my gifts. Every step of coming back to wholeness and looking at all the fears in the eyes, and seeing like a child with compassion and love. Here I was extremely broken and traumatized. As I uncovered each trauma, each belief and sorrow I realized these were the gifts. I wasn’t afraid any longer. I was empowered. This led me to so many small awakenings that gifted me with the power of the natural self to love.
Radical self love has been the backbone of my true essence to be able to move from a place of fear to my true potential. This experience has led my soul to be able to relate to so many others on that deep level of empathy. Helping others uncover their pain and suffering from years of childhood trauma. Especially in the body. We can only meet someone as deeply as we have met ourselves. So in this case getting through years of abuse has given me the ability to meet others and help them clear this in their body.
Having this experience through childhood has in turn led me to be able to be a vessel of unconditional love, universal love. As love is truly the only answer. Love is why we are here. Love is our true self and we are all remembering this truth.
I now am able to hold space and create a place for others to come and be fully met and seen. Allowing whatever pain that has been stuck in the body to be fully met and processed and in turn come back to wholeness.
This is my gift.Truly being a vessel for change and transformation. To show up and be an example for others to know that its safe to be who they are, its safe to feel, its safe to receive and safe to change.
I have been called to be a pillar of hope, and angel of healing, and ray of light. So that others like myself that have gone through the darkest nights can know that they are not alone and they can be free. So here I stand to help others wake up in themselves and show them the power they had all along through the body.
This is my gift. Trauma turned into gold. The wounded healer in deep privilege. Whats your gift???
At the age of 3 my biological mother left to claim the bottle (alcohol) and my dad was left to take care of the 4 children. He then remarried a women of the angelic Archetype named Rebecca. This was a women that came with full super power of love and the ideal motherly duties. She was such an incredible mother, but mostly more importantly she embodied the essence of what a humble human is to be in this world. She was active in school PTA and always dressed up for every holiday. She wore smile like it was her job. Ill never forget the time I got in trouble and she advised me to be grounded in my room until further notice. I screamed and cried. Until after an hour or so she came in, came close and held me. The way that a little child needs to feel. Accepted for making a mistake and sharing unconditional love. She always knew how to manage to keep the family all feeling loved and supported.
At the age of 6 she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She took it really well. She and my dad made an agreement to do whatever it took to cure this disease. So for the last few years after she was diagnosed she did the treatments that were given to her and even went as far as to Europe to get treatment. Nothing truly was helping. At the end she was becoming very sick and even at 8-9 years old I would try to sooth her with my touch. I’ll never forgot the time I pulled the lotion bottle out and gave her loving touch to sooth her. Intuitively I knew I wanted to do something with healing by that time. At the age of 10 she finally made her way out of this earthly body and transitioned. I was devastated of course but held on and did what I knew best at a young age.
Time continued on as we as a family had more things to conquer up ahead, I won't go into more of the story until the next blog but feel called to discuss death and how this served me.
See if we don’t know death, or grief we tend to bottle up many things and don’t have much patience for our fellow human beings. The true teaching I was given was that death is life. Its a force of true change, true depth, true empathy. It allowed me to witness the magic of the present moment. That all we have is this very essence of the now. The spaces between each breath. The intimacy with all things. The true beloved within and around us. This is the gift of life. I often say how is your breath? how is your life? As they are so interconnected. My mother has passed but her breath of life is embedded in me forever. I use my breath like its my last. Living out my deepest desires. Using a way to transcend the breath into a perspective of wisdom and grace. The grace I received through getting through the death of my mother was astounding. I truly have a notion that if we lose something we gain even more.
Change is constant for me and my journey and I prefer it that way. This deep grief I have had from losing the most precious person has given me a way to have the kind of compassion for others as much as the goddess of Kuan Yin. If we are here to become the greatest leaders, healers, visionaries etc we must have the depths of compassion for our fellow human beings. My heart is cracked wide open for the ways of being of service for the greater good. This is it, the times of the new ages, new paradigms and heart centered beings all around. Will you be a part of this new earth? Its a place where love runs free. <3